Graham Hall

It has been my experience that, when really put to it, each of us intuitively knows many of the things we need and the answers we’re looking for.

At the same time, we all do a lot of mental gymnastics to deny ourselves these truths and box ourselves in more and more. In these boxes we are perhaps “safe enough.” And in these boxes we are often stuck, frozen, treading water in perpetuity, and completely and utterly exhausted. This was me. This has been my path too.

During childhood

Perhaps like you, I grew up with two loving yet imperfect parents who unintentionally passed on their own blurred boundaries, limiting beliefs, and unprocessed emotions. My father was affectionate but also private and stoic; my mother deeply caring and sensitive but often depressed. Together, there was a lot of love, and also a lot of anger before they divorced. Flash memories of shouting matches and broken dishes still flutter through my mind. At the time, I didn’t understand. I just knew I needed to protect my little brother, though this became a burden after a time too.

As an adolescent

I became intimately self-focused, as most teenagers are. I was adept at intellectualizing my experience, identifying patterns, and tying it all to the 'big picture' I envisioned for myself. I aimed to fill in my father’s shoes and become the organizer and provider I felt our chaotic little family of three now needed. However, I struggled to safely process the associated emotions and repattern how I conceived my internal world. I didn't even know what that was supposed to look like.

Mostly, I was angry. I took the divorce out on my mother because I knew she could take it. I idolized my father and was subsequently heartbroken when he so often stood up for his new spouse but never stood up for me. And I bullied my brother as I felt increasing responsibility for him, even though no one asked.

Growing into young adulthood

I struggled with undiagnosed ADHD, debilitating bodily anxiety, depressive shutdowns, and chronic shame and self-criticism. Adept at compartmentalizing emotions and minimizing my needs, I ran on subconscious beliefs that pleasing and managing the same for others, while relentlessly 'self-improving,' would earn the acceptance I craved. But the feeling never lasted; I couldn’t hold it.​

Later, I experienced the sudden deaths of each of my parents in quick succession, and succumbed to heavy grief and a mix of productivity sprints and substance use to push it all away. On the surface, I looked every part the capable provider. Internally, I felt conflict around who I was and who I wanted to be. I had lived to care for others, to hold their pain … there was a lot more under the surface than I imagined.

Like many, work became my primary outlet for development, validation, and satisfaction. I rarely had trouble keeping myself engaged and developing my career, though I regularly cycled in and out of burnout, and lived and died with the highs and lows of our organization’s performance. Something was missing. So after a decade in high-growth tech, I turned down an opportunity to succeed our company President and rerouted to pursue a Master's in Counselling Psychology.

And today

While I have processed many of my most dysregulating emotions, created new meaning from past experiences, and brought a renewed balance to my internal bodily states, I am still very much on my own journey. Understanding ourselves and repatterning with intention is very much a life process.